Relapse - All I Want Is Hope, Peace, And Strength

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Last night was very difficult for me.  After months of no relapses I had another attack.  I remember that I was busy all day.  I cleaned the apartment and went over to wash at my mothers home.  I walked skittles for a while; then attached her to the clothes line so she had a little freedom to run back and forth.  I made sure she had food and clean water to drink.  I even sprayed her with water to cool her down.  She totally love it!  Meanwhile I watched a couple of movies while I waited for the clothes to dry in the dryer.

By the time I got home it was 5 minutes till 11pm in the evening and it was time to pick up Zachary from a friends house.  Neither one of us had supper, so we pulled out the hamburger helper and started to cook.  I told my son to shower so he slept better for the next days activities.

I started to feel a little strange.  Kind of shaky, but I thought maybe it was because I hadn't eaten.  I began to vacuum the carpet while the food boiled a bit.  Then Zak was out of the shower, so I asked him to watch the food.  I needed to bathe and I need to bathe my dog Sadie who is part Shitzu and Bishon.

While in the shower I felt like a heaviness.  I knew something was wrong.  My chest was tight and my back was beginning to get tight.  I thought I might collapse.  I wiped Sadie down and dried myself.  I was having a hard time getting my clothes on.  My movements were starting to stiffen and I was in pain. It felt like a seizure.


I walked out into the living room to grab my purse to take my medication.  I was starting to shake severely.   I was having a hard time opening the bottles of medication.  The bottles rattled as I tried to open them.  As I attempted to open each one of the bottles it became increasing difficult.

My son was cooking and I didn't want to alarm him..  I began to walk back into the kitchen which was only a few feet away.  Then my legs grew heavy and I couldn't move very far.  My hands started to shake uncontrollably and my sons started to yell, "Mom! Mom! stop shaking!"  All I could say was, "Help me."  As the tears streamed down my face...

I was having trouble swallowing.  It felt like I had a lump in my throat.  My son took my arm and held on tightly.  He helped me keep my gait.  Then he lead my hand full of pills to my face with a glass of water as I tried to swallow.  He kept yelling, "Swallow them mom."  I was trying, but I was so angry.  I was frightened and felt totally helpless.  I was glad he was there, but the tears still came. I didn't want him to see me that way.  I was able to swallow the pills.  The tears still rolling down my face.

Then he told me to lie down.  He helped me to my room and and I laid on my bed waiting for the medication to work.  My dog Sadie was ever so faithful.  She laid on my legs as my body shook uncontrollably.   My son Zak pulled her off my lap.  But she jumped right back on my lap.  I knew it was just a mater of time for the medication to kick in. I asked him for two benadryls to help me calm down even more.

I hadn't taken my medication during the day and I guess I over did things.  I had been checking on the dog all week and washing clothes.  Just taking care of important matters.  I forget to take my medication.  Sometimes I feel very normal and I forget that I'm still ill.

I woke up this morning feeling refreshed and back to my old self.  Ready for another day, but hating how I felt the night before.  I felt like I could die.  My chest was so tight, my body was so stiff.  I felt frozen.  It was so painful.

Just need to buckle up and take my medication on time. I haven't been to the gym in 6 months, maybe thats part of it.  I need to work on that.  The only thing I really have is hope and the love of my sons and family to get me through this mess.  For which I am so thankful.

Written by Donna C Ledesma
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