The photo is of my niece Verenda Teagle and myself.
It is interesting to say that my life has improved in 2 1/2 years. Tardive Dyskinesia has not defined me. Nor has it beaten me. I learned that having my medication; especially my Clonizepam is essential to my physical well being. Without this medicine, I would not be able to write, type, walk, talk, and hold my head still. Most people think that I am an average normal person. They see my disability card on the mirror of my car. And they see me walk out of my vehicle and walk to my destination.
I know that they probably think, "There's nothing wrong with her. Why did she park there?" In fact a woman actually confronted me once about it. I don't agree with some people who think that I am taking tax payers money. I worked all my life, since the age of 16. I earned that money. I payed my taxes and I payed my social security for such an occasion as this. I choose to be an asset to society rather then a burden. I do my part. Even if its a small part.
I know that when I have an episode, my body is rigid yet constantly moving and my heart hurts. I imagine since my heart is also a muscle that it probably tightens up and spasms much like the rest of my body. I still have trouble sleeping without medication. I'm on Trazadone, but on a much lower dose. I'm on a higher does of Cymbalta.
I know that taking Qco10 helps me feel better and Caffeine is definitely not in my best interest. But I can have small doses of chocolate in the form of chocolate covered raisins, nuts and fruit. I have been blessed with a wonderful granddaughter; who loves me unconditionally. She tells me that she misses me every day. Even though I take care of her almost every day. She is very polite and beautiful.
My sons have also been blessing. They help me when they can. I don't even have to ask them. Most of time they do things on their own. Which makes me proud. They are all successful in their own right. My books are not selling as much as I hoped. But I do have my videos which are free to the public on You Tube. Although I have made a video for the president; I feel that perhaps its time to send a letter to my Governor and/or Senator, and anyone that will listen.
I saw many people at MHMR that I suspected were trapped in their own bodies; like I was. And that probably had some sort of neurological disorder due to medications such as Geodone, Invega, Reglan and Seroquel. Thankfully there has been a recall on Reglan. I still want to raise awareness of the dangerous side effects of such drugs. Especially Anti-Psychotic medicine.
My life is forever changed. My opinion on the medication remains the same. The benefits do not our the risks. I am a 47 year old woman who still desires to become a nurse. My heart tells me to work; but my physician tells me to keep selling my Avon. I want to go back to college and try again. I want to work in an office setting or admitting part-time. I'm frustrated, but I know that right now it's for the best. And I'm enjoying the company of my granddaughter.
Another issue that has been on my mind is losing my sister to pancreatic cancer last month. It's so important for people to understand that drinking too much or for long periods of time has consequences. She was not an alcoholic. She was a good person, kind and she suffered a great deal of her life. I really miss her. Sometimes we take family members for granted. We feel they will live forever. But that is not the reality of life. We all choose a way to cope with our problems. I was on the same path in my early twenties. Now I just want to stay healthy as long as possible to be here for my children and grandchildren. Love has not found its way to my door; but I am ever faithful that someday it will find me.
The good news that taking Clonazipam/Klonopin twice a day has made as normal as then next person. The downside is I cannot stop taking the medication. After 10 days I relapse. I'm still writing poetry, working on the third book, selling Avon as well as advertising for my two books on lulu.com. I would be lying if I told you that I never breakdown and cry. I do. I even feel like giving up. But just when I think I can't take anymore. Someone, my children, friend or stranger offers sound advice. To me they are the angels that God sends when I can no longer stand on my own two feet. They give me the courage and perseverance that I need and crave to give me strength.
With warmest thoughts of hugs and kisses to everyone. May God bless you and keep you in safety always. Thank you and God Bless Everyone who reads my blogs.
Donna C. Ledesma
Writer
Changing the world one person at a time, by showing compassion for others.
Copyright © October 1, 2011
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