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I believe the most difficult part of my life is a feeling of guilt. I feel bad a times because I am still so young and I see my mother who is retired working and my Aunt. They struggle day to day and keep providing. I miss when I used to work hard for my money. I worked up to 100 hrs just to bring home a $900.00 check.
I did it for my son Zak who was living with me at the time. I wanted to give him whatever he needed. Now I am on disability. I have worked since I was sixteen years old. At first I was upset and didn't want to accept it or the fact that I was disabled. As a matter a fact I tried to disprove it. If that makes sense.
I saw many doctors and had labs, test, EKG, CT ect. I had Physical Therapy.. I fought the pain every day to climb stairs. And I still can't sleep well due to the neck pain I have. It never goes away. I don't believe in taking too many prescriptions. I know they are bad for my kidneys. And I prefer alternative forms of medicine. And yet I do. Because if I don't the ticking is worse.
But what is done is done. I now know that my illness is likely permanent. Who wants a Nurse or Nurse Aid who is ticking like a robot and shhhhing, clicking, winking and crossing sometimes;like a broken CD.... I used to dance a lot. I love dancing. I can still dance, but not for very long. Because my left leg gives out and sometimes my drink will fall out of my hand. And even that has changed. I can't drink like before. And it's probably for the best.
I know that we all have a cross to bear. Sometimes I feel like my cross is unbearable. I don't like people staring at me. I'm embarrassed if I see someone handsome and I'm ticking. I wonder if they think I'm lu lu. It's hard to control. Sometimes I can, but I have to concentrate on something. Like when I crochet or read. And to be perfectly honest, I'm afraid to stop looming or crocheting. I'm afraid if I stop the ticking will get worse again. So every night like clock work I make a flowers and hats even though it 80 to 90 degrees out. The likelihood of anyone purchasing any of my work is slim to non.
But I say to myself, "It's OK. I'll build a supply full of hats, blankets, flowers and when winter comes. I'll be ready."
To continue, I have to see the blessing in all this mess. The blessing is that I am cognitive and I can still voice my opinion and write my story and experiences. The blessing is that maybe somewhere out there is someone just like me; who needs a little courage a long the way. Then in reading my stories they find courage and strength.
To those people who are suffering depression, anxiety, persecution, cruelty and mental health issues. I say keep working at getting better. You have a strong survival instinct. Use it. You deserve better. You deserve your life back. And sometimes you have to FIGHT FOR IT. Fight and get your power back from those that persecute you. Find a way. There is always a way. Make an effort to walk out that door. Push yourself every day. Smile and say something nice. Go to the gym, take a nice long walk, adopt a pet, confide in a very good friend, talk to god and ask for his mercy and grace. He'll give it to you. As long as you believe and have faith. Even if your faith is the size of a mustard seed. It will come to pass. With FAITH. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.
In suffering we learn to be humble people. I have very little financially to my name every month. And I still give. Even my last dollar, because when you do this your glorifying god and helping his children. When you do unto the least of these; you do it unto me.
This summer I would like to offer a task........ That is when you go and get bottled water at the store. Save some for the poor in this heat. Pick any day of the week and keep the ice chest near you. Give to the poor who are begging for money a bottle of cold water and if you can spare it a dollar. It could save their life or if you are able buy to them a meal from McDonalds dollar menu. They could suffer a heat stroke. They were someone's daughter, son, father, mother and child. Maybe the meal you buy them will be the last meal of their entire life. BE SOMEONES ANGEL FOR A DAY.
Something happened to these poor people a long the way. They ended up with a much heavier cross to bare then you and I. Don't judge them if you give them money. Not everyone is out to rob you. Each is accountable to himself before god. Judge ye not; lest ye be judged. In today's economy there are more people living this way. In California there are tent cities.
Thats' my goal this month. I'm going to buy some bottled waters and pass them to the poor........
"God bless you everyone."
I pray that when God finds us, that he finds us doing that which is right and good on the earth.
We are at the beginning of sorrows. See my blog on "A Revelation." http://donnacledesma.blogspot.com/ Or click on my important links.
Written by Donna C. Ledesma
Copyright (c) 2010
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