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Today was a wonderful day. I spent the day with my mom, sister, brother in law, nieces and nephew. It was my niece Sierras' Birthday. We joined my sister at Ghatti Town. We ate like kings and queens.
The only thing about the days was that I tend to tick more around people. I don't know why? I just get nervous around others. Thankfully I had my medication in my purse and I took my clonizpam. It helped to settle me a bit.
I forget sometimes that my condition hurts my mother. While we were in the car, she was telling me, " It's been so long and your still ticking. Look at your hand. You keep moving your hand like this." I was rubbing my ring finger and moving my other fingers consistently. My mother said, "Did you take your medicine?" I said , "Yes, I did".
She told me that the dose that was prescribed is the right dose. I told her that I only take the medication if someone else is driving. At times it makes me very sleepy. And if I start ticking badly I take it.
For instance; I took all my medication last night at midnight. I slept till 2pm in the afternoon. That happens sometimes. But I will have to admit that I feel rested and even happy. I have energy.
My mother was just beside her self because It's been a year and four months - I'm still ticking. I told her, "Mom we have to be thankful that I am here. I am cognitive and able to speak to her. We have to be thankful that I'm not in an Institution. I may still tick but I'm here and that's the most important part."
I have to believe that god will help me and turn this around someday. And maybe I can get a job in transcription at home. Or behind a desk where people can't see me. And I want to publish my book someday. I have things to look forward to.
I don't like shushing people by accident. Or winking at someone when I'm speaking. Or moving my head constantly from left to right. It hurts my neck. I don't like clicking my tongue or crinkling my nose. But this is my life now. And I have to accept it and live with it. I don't want to. I miss the old me. The normal me. But I'm down. Not Out! I can do something about my life or I can sit down and let it and cruel people defeat me.
I THINK NOT! I live my life one day at a time. One minute at a time. And one hour at a time. I have hopes and some expectations, but I have also come to acceptance. Like it or not. I can't let it eat away at me.
I can't live like a hermit for the rest of my life. So, I have been making an effort to see my Aunts and Grandmother, hang out with my family and go to the park. Swimming is next. Ha Ha. And I even want to go dancing again. You only live once and then you die.
I've starting growing plants again. I started my mothers garden of vegetables. I love my animals and love to make things. I have goals and dreams. I want to go to college. Maybe I can't be a nurse, but there are other fields I can try.
However, I will miss taking care of patients. I loved my job at St. Vincents. in New Mexico. I had so many friends and was very happy there for close to five years. It was just a few months shy of five years. I was going to college for two years.
I can't afford to go to college, but I'm working on that too. Little by little I make a goal and try to complete it. I'm realistic about my life. I'm just going with the flow and see what god has in store for me. He will reveal his plan in time. His time. Not mine.
My blessing to everyone.
May his angels keep vigil over you.
with peace and love
Donna C. Ledesma
"Secret Garden Rectangular Pill Box"
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