One day in particular; I was so restless. The memories of my hospitalization at the Crisis Unit at Sphon Memorial Hospital in Corpus Christi Texas came flooding back. I remember the many nights that I would sing out to god and I would pray aloud. Often it was very loud. I couldn't help myself. But I remember feeling as though every event that occurred were real events.
I began to ponder on a common statement I made. I kept saying over and over.
"Gods word is never void."
Meaning if something is of God and coming from God that it is a true fact or event.
I went over every event concerning the investigation in my head. Then slowly I began to realize that they were all false images or thoughts. There was no investigation. Which meant, whatever happened to me was not part of Gods plan.
Facts:
1) My little sister never married anyone name Tony.
2) My brother didn't propose to his ex-girlfriend. In fact they are just friends.
3.) I realized that my sisters, nieces, nephew, sons and mother were never there.
4.) My nephew was not dead. This should have kicked in right away.
It was all part of my own psyche. I realized that most of it was my own worries and maybe hopes and maybe sub-conscious feelings and fears.
That evening I stayed awake all night into the morning. I was thinking about my poor mother and what I put her through. How I accused her of things that were not true. I was paranoid. I was not me. I was calling the police often and asking them to help me. To get me out of my mothers home
But, I know that I really was very very sick. And that everything my mother did for me was for my own good; and not for greed. She protected me from anyone that could hurt me. She made my brother promise if anything serious happens to me that I will not be institutionalized.
That morning, my mother came to visit me. I was sitting in the dark on the couch in the living room. My curtains were closed. All the lights were off and I was sobbing. I was sobbing because I realized I was sick. I really was very sick.
I remember that my mother was very patient. She sat down next to me and she said, " What's the matter mama? Why are you crying?"
I told her, "Mom, I'm so sorry for everything. I'm sorry for what I put you through. I'm sorry for accusing you of things you didn't do." She just wept a little and said, " It's Ok mama." She was very forgiving. As most of our mothers are.
I kept sobbing then I began to explain what I realized about, "Gods word never being void." That I knew now that it couldn't have been God. That I wasn't hypnotized. I realized their weren't people trying to help me.
That everything was just me and my fears. I realized the extent of my illness. I was greatfull that I came out of that. I thanked her for staying by my side through it all.
It was painful for me, because I always felt that I was a determined woman. I was strong and nothing or anyone was ever going to hurt me. I was not going to allow that to happen again. Then the fear of what happened took over.
I began to wonder. Could this happen to me again? Will I ever be the same person? Because now I have been labeled; a crazy women, weak and paranoid. My children have suffered as well. People I trusted and thought would never say horrible things to my kids have betrayed me. They tell my son's, " Ha ha, Your mom is crazzzy", or Just make fun of me in front of their families." I never wanted this for my kids.
Now this event in my life is part of my permanent record. It tares me to pieces to think of it. Why, why, why...........
But then I see how far I have come. I have healed through writing and am reaching out to others in hopes of helping someone else realize that bad things do happen to good people. This is not a punishment!
This is: Child Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Terrorism,Verbal Abuse, Harassment and the death of my father and loss of a great love.
The fact that I waited five years for my on and off again boyfriend to propose. Then when he did, he asked me to walk away from my sons. He said they were full grown and didn't need me anymore. He wanted me to move back to New Mexico. I couldn't do it.
My mother told me that is when it happened. On that very day. He called at least six times. I was ticking so badly that I couldn't answer my phone. I wanted to talk to him, but I couldn't. That very day I lost my mind, my great love and my life. On that day, I realized that I might lose my children forever if I didn't wake up.
Even as I write this, the tears are flowing yet again. No mother wants to leave a legacy of lunacy for her children. But I know also that the medication Geodone caused this. In my heart I know. I was normal before they gave me that medication. I have never been diagnosed as schizophrenic. Depression yes, but never a schizophrenic.
Reposition Yourself: Living Life Without Limits - Religious &
But with hopeful eyes and a hopeful heart the legacy I wish to leave my sons is this: Life will be cruel, but I will be there for you. Just call me or come see me and stay awhile. Your mother may have been ill, but I beat it with gods help. I may have been down and abnormal but my determination kept me going. I fought back. I became as normal as any other person aside from ticking a little. I have medication that helps with that. I am a writer and author. All this in one year and half. I can walk again, I don't cross my mouth as often, I drive and can see you when I have money or get a loan. I may have been crazy but I won! I beat the odds and I'm back. Hopefully I can help save lives with my story. Here for you if you need me. Like my mother for me. Always and forever with love MOM.
copyright May 2010
All rights reserved
By Donna C. Ledesma
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