Expectations and Acceptance

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Today was a wonderful day.  I spent the day with my mom, sister, brother in law, nieces and nephew.  It was my niece Sierras' Birthday.  We joined my sister at Ghatti Town.  We ate like kings and queens.  


The only thing about the days was that I tend to tick more around people.  I don't know why?  I just get nervous around others.  Thankfully I had my medication in my purse and I took my clonizpam.  It helped to settle me a bit.







I forget sometimes that my condition hurts my mother. While we were in the car, she was telling me, " It's been so long and your still ticking.  Look at your hand.  You keep moving your hand like this." I was rubbing my ring finger and moving my other fingers consistently.  My mother said, "Did you take your medicine?"  I said , "Yes, I did". 


She told me that the dose that was prescribed is the right dose.  I told her that I only take the medication if someone else is driving.  At times it makes me very sleepy.  And if I start ticking badly I take it.   


For instance; I took all my medication last night at midnight.  I slept till 2pm in the afternoon.  That happens sometimes.  But I will have to admit that I feel rested and even happy.  I have energy.


My mother was just beside her self because It's been a year and four months -  I'm still ticking. I told her,  "Mom we have to be thankful that I am here.  I am cognitive and able to speak to her.  We have to be thankful that I'm not in an Institution.  I may still tick but I'm here and that's the most important part."


I have to believe that god will help me and  turn this around someday.  And maybe I can get a job in transcription at home.  Or behind a desk where people can't see me.  And I want to publish my book someday.  I have things to look forward to.


I don't like shushing people by accident.  Or winking at someone when I'm speaking.  Or moving my head constantly from left to right.  It hurts my neck.  I don't like clicking my tongue or crinkling my nose.  But this is my life now.  And I have to accept it and live with it.  I don't want to.  I miss the old me.  The normal me.  But I'm down.  Not Out!   I can do something about my life or I can sit down and let it and cruel people defeat me.


I THINK NOT!  I live my life one day at a time.  One minute at a time. And one hour at a time. I have hopes and some expectations, but I have also come to acceptance. Like it or not.  I can't let it eat away at me.


I can't live like a hermit for the rest of my life.  So, I have been making an effort to see my Aunts and Grandmother, hang out with my family and go to the park.  Swimming is next.  Ha Ha. And I even want to go dancing again.  You only live once and then you die.  


I've starting growing plants again.  I started my mothers garden of vegetables.  I love my animals and love to make things.  I have goals and dreams.  I want to go to college.  Maybe I can't be a nurse, but there are other fields I can try. 


However, I will miss taking care of patients.  I loved my job at St. Vincents. in New Mexico. I had so many friends and was very happy there for close to five years. It was just a few months shy of five years.  I was going to college for two years.


I can't afford to go to college, but I'm working on that too.  Little by little I make a goal and try to complete it.  I'm realistic about my life.  I'm just going with the flow and see what god has in store for me.  He will reveal his plan in time.  His time.  Not mine.

My heart does not fail, for I put my trust in thee oh my lord Jehovah.  For you are my rock and my fortress.  In whom shall I fear.  NO ONE... For if the lord god is with me, then who can come against me.  NO ONE.  You are my shield and my buckler.  In thee do I put my trust all day.  Amen


My blessing to everyone.
May his angels keep vigil over you.
with peace and love
Donna C. Ledesma

 "Secret Garden Rectangular Pill Box"

When I realized the events that occurred were false impressions.

 

There are many nights in which I have trouble sleeping.  It doesn't matter how tired I am or what I may have done through out my day.  I could be totally exhausted, but I can't sleep.  I will often get up and play bejeweled, Jewel Quest, Majong or watch a movie in the dark.  Usually I fall asleep around 5am or 7am.   Then I would sleep all afternoon; waking up around 3 or 4 p.m..


One day in particular; I was so restless.  The memories of my hospitalization at the Crisis Unit at Sphon Memorial Hospital in Corpus Christi Texas came flooding back.  I remember the many nights that I would sing out to god and I would pray aloud.  Often it was very loud.  I couldn't help myself.  But I remember feeling as though every event that occurred were real events.


I began to ponder on a common statement I made.  I kept saying over and over.  

"Gods word is never void." 

Meaning if something is of God and coming from God that it is a true fact or event.  

I went over every event concerning the investigation in my head.  Then slowly I began to realize that they were all false images or thoughts.  There was no investigation. Which meant, whatever happened to me was not part of Gods plan.


Facts:  
1) My little sister never married anyone name Tony. 

2) My brother didn't propose to his ex-girlfriend.  In fact they are just friends. 

3.) I realized that my sisters, nieces, nephew, sons and mother were never there.

4.) My nephew was not dead.  This should have kicked in right away.


It was all part of my own psyche.  I realized that most of it was my own worries and maybe hopes and maybe sub-conscious feelings and fears.


That evening I stayed awake all night into the morning.  I was thinking about my poor mother and what I put her through.  How I accused her of things that were not true.  I was paranoid.  I was not me.  I was calling the police often and asking them to help me. To get me out of my mothers home


But, I know that I really was very very sick.  And that everything my mother did for me was for my own good; and not for greed.  She protected me from anyone that could hurt me.  She made my brother promise if anything serious happens to me that I will not be institutionalized.




That morning,  my mother came to visit me.  I was sitting in the dark on the couch in the living room.  My curtains were closed.  All the lights were off and I was sobbing.  I was sobbing because I realized I was sick. I really was very sick.  


I remember that my mother was very patient.  She sat down next to me and she said, " What's the matter mama? Why are you crying?"


I told her, "Mom, I'm so sorry for everything.  I'm sorry for what I put you through.  I'm sorry for accusing you of things you didn't do."  She just wept a little and said, " It's Ok mama."  She was very forgiving.  As most of our mothers are.  


I kept sobbing then I began to explain what I realized about, "Gods word never being void."  That I knew now that it couldn't have been God.  That I wasn't hypnotized.  I realized their weren't people trying to help me.  


That everything was just me and my fears. I realized the extent of my illness.  I was greatfull  that I came out of that.  I thanked her for staying by my side through it all.


It was painful for me, because I always felt that I was a determined woman.  I was strong and nothing or anyone was ever going to hurt me.  I was not going to allow that to happen again.  Then the fear of what happened took over.


I began to wonder.  Could this happen to me again?  Will I ever be the same person?  Because now I have been labeled; a crazy women, weak and paranoid.  My children have suffered as well.  People I trusted and thought would never say horrible things to my kids have betrayed me.  They tell my son's, " Ha ha, Your mom is crazzzy", or Just make fun of me in front of their families."  I never wanted this for my kids.


Now this event in my life is part of my permanent record.  It tares me to pieces to think of it.  Why, why, why...........


But then I see how far I have come.  I have healed through writing and am reaching out to others in hopes of helping someone else realize that bad things do happen to good people.  This is not a punishment! 


This is: Child Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Terrorism,Verbal Abuse, Harassment and the death of my father and loss of a great love.  


The fact that I waited five years for my on and off again boyfriend to propose. Then when he did, he asked me to walk away from my sons.  He said they were full grown and didn't need me anymore.  He wanted me to move back to New Mexico.  I couldn't do it.


My mother told me that is when it happened.  On that very day.  He called at least six times.  I was ticking so badly that I couldn't answer my phone.  I wanted to talk to him, but I couldn't.  That very day I lost my mind, my great love and my life.  On that day, I realized that I might lose my children forever if I didn't wake up.


Even as I write this, the tears are flowing yet again.  No mother wants to leave a legacy of lunacy for her children.  But I know also that the medication Geodone caused this.  In my heart I know.  I was normal before they gave me that medication. I have never been diagnosed as schizophrenic.  Depression yes, but never a schizophrenic. 






Reposition Yourself: Living Life Without Limits - Religious &



But with hopeful eyes and a hopeful heart the legacy I wish to leave my sons is this:  Life will be cruel, but I will be there for you.  Just call me or come see me and stay awhile.  Your mother may have been ill, but I beat it with gods help.  I may have been down and abnormal but my determination kept me going.  I fought back.  I became as normal as any other person aside from ticking a little.  I have medication that helps with that.  I am a writer and author.  All this in one year and half. I can walk again, I don't cross my mouth as often, I drive and can see you when I have money or get a loan.  I may have been crazy but I won!  I beat the odds and I'm back. Hopefully I can help save lives with my story.   Here for you if you need me. Like my mother for me. Always and forever with love MOM.


copyright May 2010
All rights reserved
By Donna C. Ledesma

Progress

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Well as of today I have improved some.  I have also come to realize that my condition is likely permanent.  The reason is because I still wake up with my head shaking only not as bad as before.  I still click and make noises with my mouth.  I'm still winking, crinkling my nose.  And at times I still have difficulty walking.  I notice if I don't take my medication, my condition is worse. I cross my mouth on occasion, mainly when nervous. And I can see that I will probably have to take the Clonazepam for the rest of my life.  I'm still hoping that I will eventually wean off the anti-depressant," Cymbalta. "   I know that I will need the Meloxicam for the rest of my life due to Osteoarthritis.  And Benadryl to help me sleep.  I am also taking Co Q-10 as much as possible as per my doctors instructions. At least its heart healthy.


Some days I feel normal and some days I can't get out of bed.  But every day is a new day and I try again.  I know that if I give up, there will be no hope for me.  I know that I have to keep exercising; because when I stop I start ticking again.  But I have also come to terms with my situation.


Acceptance is the hardest part of my inner struggles.  I want so much to be normal again in every sense of the word.  But what is done is done.  And I have to rise above it.  I have learned that despite my illness I still have power.  I have power over my world and the things that involve me.  That people only have the power over me that I allow them to have.


For anyone that is trying to get better. Whatever your situation may be.  Don't worry about today, or tomorrow or next week or next month.  Just get through today.  Today.... Today.... Today...




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Surround yourself with people that love you and truly care about your well being.  Start a blog, journal, a garden.  Learn something new.  Try something different.  Don't give up on yourself, your life, or Love.  It will come.  Just be patient.  Time doesn't always heal all wounds, but patients is most definitely a virtue.


Give your problems to god and let him take the reigns of your life.  Worrying only makes things worse.  Have faith, have courage and have a will to be the very best.  Don't give up searching for answers. Fight for your life!  You deserve a great life!


Smell a rose, look at nature and study the animals.  See the miracle of life.  And don't take your life for granted.  You have purpose and meaning.  What that may be is up to you.  But it is certainly something your very good at.  To each is appointed a gift from god.  It's something that comes natural to you.




Follow your dreams and your heart.  You can't go wrong.  You might have some disappointments along the way.  But at least you tried and you learned something.  But GET UP!  AND TRY AGAIN!



With Peace and Love
Donna C. Ledesma